Floating has not made me a saint!
Day 54 of #90Floatsin90Days
It is comical to me that at the beginning of this endeavor, I would have thought I would have the time to be able to float and subsequently blog each day! I have managed to get in the float in, without fail. Although some days, it requires an extreme stubbornness of spirit! Yesterday was one of those days. After a long day of running errands on my one day off, I floated at 10:30 at night, only to return at 5:30 this morning.
The upshot is that I feel great, despite the limited sleep, and I enjoy knowing that I can keep promises to myself these days! For the longest time, I could keep my promises to everyone BUT me. Turns out, #integrity includes being true to myself!
The floating (and the infrared sauna) have felt fabulous, although not always convenient. I have noticed many changes. My skin is good, my joints and muscles aren't achy, and my temperament has been pretty chill despite A LOT going on.
However, as reality would have it – NO, I haven't arrived. Several times over the last week, I have been asked if, with all this meditation, floating and yoga, if I have begun to levitate or become a spiritual guru. This couldn't be farther from the reality of what really IS happening. I actually felt mortified at the thought that my excitement and openness about my process could come off like some know-it-all or better-than. ICK! I began to spin for a moment – why am I even writing this blog? Why did I need to tell people about my 'floating' journey? What the hell was I thinking?! The Ego began to rail on me. My Ego has a way of taking something so beautiful and sincere and soiling it.
This is where the floating, the meditation, the reading books comes in real handy. Currently, I am listening to Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach, and she discusses feelings quite a lot. Like where do I feel them in my body? What does it feel like? Etc. When I find that my mind has spun off on some unhealthy, unhelpful tangent, I can (and most often do) bring myself back to my breath and feel how those thoughts are appearing in my body. Most often, I find my breathing is short, and my chest is tight. During the worse spins, my stomach feels knotted up. This awareness is usually enough to jar me out of the negatively-loop so that I can take a more in-depth look into the "why."
So, yes, I have become a bit softer, a bit kinder to myself and others. However, I have simultaneously become aware of my harsh, sharp edges and ways in which I still need relief from the insecurity, people-pleasing, a deep-seated belief that I am responsible for other people's happiness and comfort. The incredibly mean-spirited internal critic that wants to rip me a new one with each mistake I make and makes me less than tolerant of others. Geez, it is crazy the width and depth of the change that has taken place within me and even more insane is what still needs to be reconciled or healed in my spirit. I am a work, a beautiful, messy work in progress.
I want to leave you with this story I heard today on self-forgiveness. I am sure to butcher it, but the important part is there.
A priest was paying a visit to a dying woman. She was tormented by her past and felt that she was worthless and beyond forgiveness or grace. She listed the sins to the priest to support her self-judgment. He listened, and then when she paused, he asked her about the picture on the dresser beside her bed. Oh, the woman said, as her face lit up, that is my daughter. The priest asked her if she made these same mistakes, would you be unable to forgive her?" "Oh no, I love her so. Of course, I would forgive her!' the woman exclaimed. She then asked the priest why he would ask such a question. He looked this woman in her eyes and said because "God has a picture of you on his dresser, and he loves you!"
Today my focus isn't on levitating or arriving but on merely becoming a better, more understanding, and forgiving friend to myself and others. That is enough.